so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
