Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
