she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
