my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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