why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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