dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
