i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
