last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
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Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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