he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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