The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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