I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My breasts were aching with rage.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
