By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
