Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
