your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
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I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
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CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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