goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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