Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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