I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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