i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize