you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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