i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
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Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
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Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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