Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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