he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
