Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
