i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
