I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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