If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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