yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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