I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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