dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
