why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
