im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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