Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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