Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
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Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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