Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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