I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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