i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You took a bar mat shot.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
