awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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