My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
