Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
