A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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