my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
