my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
