Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
