you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
