that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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