I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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