WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
