were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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