if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
