So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
