It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
