Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
