I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
