so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
