How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
