the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize